Leslie R. Lee is the (fake) Guest DJ on KCRW
KCRW, best radio station on the planet, does something called the Guest DJ Project. They interview people from different industries to find out what kind of music affects or has affected them in their lives. Usually conducted by one of their fine DJ’s, the interview ranges over different genres and time spans. Here is my take of what would happen if they chose me to be a guest DJ.
DJ: Welcome to the KCRW Guest DJ project where we invite important people to discuss what kind of music made an impact on their lives and their professions. Well, usually we do. Today though, we have invited a total nobody to be our guest. Some guy chosen from the vast mass of filthy listeners who don’t bother to subscribe, you bunch of lazy ingrates.
Me: I subscribe! I do! Really! Look, I have a Fringe Benefits Card right here.
DJ: Some guy who is a complete and utter non-entity.
Me: Hey, I’m right here you know. I can hear every single word.
DJ: Yes, I won’t blame you for turning it off and waiting for Kajon Cermak to come on. But what the hell. Thank you for joining us, Leslie Lee, a total nobody.
Me: I wrote a novel.
DJ: No plugging your stuff here. This is a real show.
Me: But...
DJ: Quiet. So what’s your first song?
Me: I Want to Hold Your Hand
DJ: I’m still not letting you plug your book but here, if it makes you feel better.
Me: I mean “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles.
DJ: I knew that. Let go. Well, that’s an easy one. Choosing the Beatles.
Me: It was the first song that I ever heard that made me realize that I really love music
DJ: It’s a pretty safe choice there, Leslie. Who doesn’t like The Beatles? Let’s play a little of it. I want to hold your haaaaand, I want to hold your hand.
Me: You’re not playing it. You’re just singing.
DJ: I am not. That’s the original CD they released.
Me: They didn’t have CD’s back then
DJ: Hah! Shows what you know.
Me: I know that song is one of the very best of all time by the greatest group of all time.
DJ: The Stones are better
Me: They are not.
DJ: Yes, they are. They’re all still alive and putting out music, sort of.
Me: Speaking of The Rolling Stones, my second song is “Gimme Shelter”. Best Stones song ever. Rock at it’s most paranoid and wild.
DJ: Good choice but I think you meant “Brown Sugar”.
Me: I mean Gimme Shelter
DJ: Let’s play some
Me: That’s not Gimme Shelter. That’s Brown Sugar.
DJ: See! I was right. Brown Sugar is the best Stones song ever. Let’s move along now.
Me: My third song is a little esoteric
DJ: Hmm, I don’t think I know them
Me: That was a description of the song. It’s “Amateur Hour” by Sparks
DJ: They’re good. I’m surprised someone like you knows them
Me: What does that mean?
DJ: Thought you’d be more like Lawrence Welk or something. You’re old.
Me: Hey! I know Sparks. You should play them more often.
DJ: They’re excellent but we have to play things that people like, not just to show that we’re clever and esoteric
Me: Ooh, you lie! You’re always playing stuff to show that you’re smarter than the rest of us. You’re just like: Ooh look at me, I can play music by someone you don’t even know and I know it and you better listen to it because there’s going to be a test on it later.
DJ: Not true! Not true at all. Yes, we played that one tune that was just a bunch of guys tearing off their testicles but it was interesting wasn’t it?
Me: My ears bled
DJ: But it was good.
Me: My plants all died
DJ: Your horizons were broadened
Me: World War III broke out
DJ: Oh alright. Not everything can be Coldplay or Adele you know. What’s your fourth song?
Me: I’m going to go with “Harbour” by Moby featuring Sinead O’Connor. I love that song. It’s not his best but it’s a beautiful song.
DJ: He’s a great friend of KCRW. Let’s take a listen. Okay, that’s enough.
Me: Hey, that’s hardly anything!
DJ: We don’t have all day
Me: I’m not going to take this anymore.
DJ: What are you doing?
Me: I’m taking off my clothes.
DJ: What? You can’t do that!
Me: Why not? It’s radio, not TV
DJ: Hmm, that’s true. Okay, me too.
Me: Ahh, now see how freeing it is?
DJ: Yeah, you’re right, it is kind of freeing isn’t it
Station Manager bursts in
SM: What are you two idiots doing!?!
Me: It’s okay, it’s radio no one can tell
SM: I don’t care if it’s telegraph. Put your clothes back on
DJ: It is very freeing.
SM: Look at this face. Does it look like it’s caring? Put your clothes back on right this instance. And what’s that in your hand?
Me: What? This?
SM: Not that hand! Your other one!
Me; Oh, the CDs. Here let me put them back in the pile.
SM: Don’t mix them up!
Me: Whoops, too late.
SM: The DJ’s have to go through those!
Me: Well, what they don’t know won’t hurt them
SM: Ewww! Just finish this up will you.
DJ: Okay, you have one more song?
Me: Yes, it’s...
DJ: Oh, time’s up
Me: Typical
DJ: Next week we’ll have someone on who’s actually important and won’t pick just any old thing. Thank you for listening to KCRW’s Guest DJ Project and we’ll take you out with Five Guys Ripping Off Their Testicles by Five Guys Ripping off Their Testicles off their album The Best of Five Guys Ripping Off their Testicles, Twenty Years of What Is Now an All Girl Band
SM: Hmm, you know, you’re absolutely right. This is kind of freeing.
Me: Told you. You know I have a novel.
SM and DJ: Quiet
Packaged by Leslie Lee
Smashwords
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/132678
iTunes/iBook
http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/packaged/id507793378?mt=11
Nook
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/packaged-leslie-lee/1109231498?ean=2940033054435
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